Almost Paradise - Part XII
Carrying the message
Post Introduction:
This is the twelfth and final post on my Almost Paradise series. I will let the the words of this and my previous eleven episodes stand as a testament to the glory of the redemptive spirit. For those looking for prior chapters , I will attach the links at the end of this work.
As we have journeyed together through this twelve-part series on addiction, suicide, and recovery, I have been asked why? Why did I share not so flattering episodes of my past? Why did I feel compelled to bare my soul to the wide world and in front of so many people I do not know? And, having been sober some fifteen years and having achieved a modicum of success why would I tell this story now? Valid questions all.
When I was in the throes of my addiction, many people approached me to express their concerns about my health, my family, and my job. To a greater or lesser degree, these individuals were doctors, friends, colleagues, bosses, and family members. Once, and I kid you not, my family doctor wrote me a prescription for no more than one drink or two glasses of wine per day. I, like any true self-sustaining alcoholic would do, found the loophole. My doctor never stipulated the size of the glass! My parents confronted me about my drinking, my bosses warned me that they would fire me if I didn’t stop, and many friends solicited me to stop for the sake of my health and children. Honestly, the only person in my active alcoholic life that wasn't riding my ass to quit was codependent.
Codependent was, however, growing tired of the financial dire straits I continued to put our family in due to my drinking. We had too many arguments regarding me getting my shit together and getting a better job, but in all such exchanges, nary the talk of abstinence came up. From codependent's perspective, my lack of being able to "hold my liquor" was the reason I ultimately could not hold a job. Those talks would invariably end with me agreeing with her premise and then sharing a shot of Jack Daniel's to cement our deal that I was to be the parenting, drinking and loving partner by night and the bread-winning chump during the day. Argument resolved, and back onto the carousel I went. My only choice appeared to be back then, was what funny animal will I, and the monkey on my back, ride to the circus tomorrow.
As you have all learned through this series, that dog didn't hunt, at least not when alcohol put the loaded gun in my hands each and every night. But when I reached my bottom, thank the Lord, when I pulled the "trigger" on my perceived incurable predicament, I heard the "click" of an empty chamber instead of the blast from a loaded gun. That warm July night, the night I planned to end my earthly existence, I felt the calling of redemption. That sensation was not an accident nor was it orchestrated by me. Someone's prayer that I be saved from my addiction got answered. It certainly wasn't mine; I was fairly determined on what I was going to do that sweltering July evening and I hadn’t talk to God in years.
From the time I was delivered from my obsession to drink, through much needed medical attention from my near-fatal decision, my life was no longer my own. Every day was a gift, borrowed from a loving God. I was given a second chance at life that I in no way deserved. I was offered forgiveness first from God, only so I ultimately learn to forgive myself. Most importantly once I forgave myself, I could forgive my ex-wife. Regrets will sink a sobriety, regrets will sour a relationship and regrets torpedo a loving relationship with God.
When I got sober and I started the hard work of understanding my addiction and what it would take to stay clean, all those voices of individuals who loved me and cared enough to express their concerns about my drinking, came back to me. I know now that every one of those individuals who approached me about my drinking thought long and hard about how to bring up the subject. When I came up with clever excuses or downright ignored them, they must have thought why did they put themselves through this stress and anxiety? It is not easy putting oneself out to confront an alcoholic. We are, after all, the world’s best spin doctors. When it comes to protecting ourselves and our beloved alcohol, alcoholics command the silver tongue of a politician on the eve of an election. We will have you voting for another round and wondering why you were so concerned in the first place.
When the “party” is over and the recovering alcoholic is faced with the healing journey of staying sober or returning to the destructive life of drinking, all those once supportive voices return. When I thought I couldn’t do it, the memory of a friend telling me that if I didn’t stop drinking, I would be the next body in a pine box spurred me to stay the course just one more day. I remembered the voices of family members telling me my children needed me and they needed me to be sober. I remembered my college professor, who guided me in the appreciation of all the that is good and Beautiful, who gave me upon my graduation, this hand-calligraphed quote from Spinoza:
I remembered that Spinoza, excommunicated for his beliefs and in bad health still spoke to the infinity of God. I remembered that Paul, imprisoned by emperor Nero, preach the gospel of the Beauty of God. Even though I felt alone in my pursuit of sobriety, I wasn’t alone. I had all those voices of past supporters and prophets along with the presence of the Holy Spirit to comfort me on my journey.
If my reader is in active addiction, may you retain my story in the recesses of your mind for that future time when you finally say, “enough is enough.” More importantly, if you are a friend, doctor, coworker or loved one of someone struggling with addiction, depression, or suicidal thoughts, do not shy from expressing your loving support. No matter how many times you have tried, no matter how many times you were ignored. And no matter how many times the affected individual in your life shuts you out. Know that the pain and anguish you endure to confront the troubled soul has an impact. Those words of love and encouragement stick in the recesses of your loved one’s mind. Although they will fight vehemently to avoid your counsel, the words cannot be erased. And like how knowledge of the fact of my addiction wrecked in enjoyment I received from drinking in the last seven years of my active addiction, your loving support will do the same. Just know that recovery will not occur on your terms. But when God and the afflicted come together, He draws those supportive statements from the recovering addict’s mind. You know not the time or place or what God’s plan is for His children, but you play a part in His redemptive spirit.
May God bless you; may God bless a society that cares for people who suffer with addiction, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. And may God bless those who pray for Divine guidance for restoration and healing. I am blessed, and I offer my story, Almost Paradise, as proof of His gentle guidance. I offer my story because it is not mine to keep but God’s to share. I offer my story because a God who sent His only Son to live and walk among, to teach and Love amid us and to die a most horrific death to save us, surely cares about the least among us. I am the living proof of that axiom and until I draw my last breath, I will speak to that eternal Truth.
If you have found any part of my story compelling, please support me by becoming a free subscriber to my Substack channel. I share my writing on LinkedIn, Gettr and X. Please also connect with me on those platforms to receive future installments of my work on this and other beautiful life affirming topics.
Thank you for your support in reading these twelve chapters, the symbolism of twelve is no mere accident. Twelve is the number of recovery, approaching twelve, the midnight hour, is the time when most who suffer addiction begin to wake up. And God gave us twelve disciples to carry His word and to enlighten us to His meaning. Those twelve were not perfect, nor did they always agree, but they are the Light out of the darkness and they breathed the gospel into a fallen world so that all would know the joy of God’s presence here, always, and forever.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. – Romans 8:1-4 NIV
Past Chapter Links:
III. Endless Summer
IV. J-Terms, Golfing, Skiing and European jazz
VIII. The Quiet Suicide